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Don’t Let Your Girl (Or Anyone) Dress You Up — The Fairer Sex Files

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“My girlfriend said I should wear more flannel.” — This dude.

This morning I saw an ad for a class called ‘Building a Grown Man’s Wardrobe,’ with the following description:

Guys, are you at a crossroads with your closet? Understand the importance of dressing well, but don’t have the time or the interest to learn how to build a grown-up wardrobe on your own? This class is for you.

Building a Grown Man’s Wardrobe provides tips, tricks, and shortcuts to dressing well for work and for play, all from an established menswear blogger. Everything from the basics of a wellstocked closet to outsourcing your shopping is covered. Stop worrying about what you’re wearing and learn to make peace with dressing like a grown-up.

Serious question: Has any man ever felt like he was at a “crossroads” with his closet to the point where he needed to take a class to fix the “problem,” without a woman telling him so? Doubt it.

I get that most men hate shopping; that’s cool. What I don’t get is why men aren’t allowed to just hate it, without trying to “learn to make peace with dressing like a grown-up.” What the hell does that mean, and who cares? Wear what you want, we’re all going to die and rot in the ground and stuff; all the Topshop outfits in the world won’t save you from that fate. I like fashion, so I spend time on it. You don’t? That’s cool, do you.

Just search the internet for men’s fashion advice and your Google results will be filled with stuff like this garbage “advice” called ‘Dressing Your Man (If He Can’t Dress Himself);’ you should be offended, dudes. You can dress yourself! You just don’t do it the way some dummies want you to, and F them, amiright?

A High School friend used to tell the story of coming home from school to his mom making iced tea in the kitchen. In her thick Queens accent, she said:

“Cha Cha, you want some icetea?” (She called him Cha Cha, beats me.) (She also called it icetea, because Queens is hilarious.)

“Is it good icetea, Ma?”

“Depends on who’s drinkin’ it.”

Dressing so that you “look good” is subjective; it depends on who is looking. Some people think it looks good to wear double-pleated Dockers, and I think those pants make men look like they have a F.U.P.A*, but who am I to tell you what to wear? Not only do you look and feel the best when you like what you see in the mirror, but that confidence is also really attractive. My boyfriend wears flowered bow-ties with plaid shirts sometimes, and his enthusiasm for them is sexy, because he doesn’t wear that stuff for anyone but himself and he is a weird space alien, which is hot.

Style isn’t supposed to be a recipe you follow, it’s supposed to be an expression of who you are. You, not your girlfriend. Tell her I said she ought to leave you alone. Also tell your boss I said you get to leave early today, because it’s nice out.

*Fat Upper Pubic Area — Descriptive of the phenomenon common with men and women so afflicted by obesity that their pubic area is used to store patches of fatty waste.

Jackie Mancini is the associate editor of GuySpeed and an unabashed lover of large breasts, porno, foul mouths and loud music. Her childhood diagnosis of Oppositional Defiant Disorder is most likely responsible for her current position as the only female employee of a men’s website. Her column ‘The [Fairer Se]X Files’ appears every Wednesday. You can read more of her work here, and you can also follow her on Twitter.

Next Fairer Sex Files: How to End Casual Sexual Relationships

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