9 Signs the Pumpkin Spice Craze Has Gone Too Far
Like it or not, fall is here, (pretty much, let's not get technical about it, okay?). We all know what that means -- hot apple cider, digging out your sweaters from the back of the closet, and people going on and on about how much they love pumpkin spice lattes.
It was only so long before the market responded, and now are subjected to an onslaught of pumpkin spice-flavored crap so extreme, we think things have gotten a tad out of hand. Here are just a few examples that the fad has gone too far.
Hey everybody, corporate America's all in your beverage, hijacking your hashtag. Starbucks has an ad campaign to celebrate 10 years of people drinking their pumpkin spice lattes by having consumers Instagram photos of themselves with the hashtag #PSL. People are only too happily obliging.
Fear not, you can still recover from blasting your glamour muscles AND have pumpkin spice, thanks to pumpkin spice flavored whey powder. For added effect, here is a #PSL Instagram of somebody literally pouring the stuff into their mouths out of the bag. Here's a hashtag for you, #FFS
Vegans want high fructose corn syrup and artificial flavors in their coffee too! Can't Starbucks figure out a way to remove the nonfat dried milk from their Pumpkin Spice flavor? Won't they listen to the reasonable demands of a bunch of people on Change.org who think it's a "total bummer" they can't have a Starbucks #PSL????
People don't just want pumpkin spice flavor in their coffee. They want it in their EVERYTHING. Have it for breakfast, make it a meal, why not? You're definitely not taking it too far at all. Sidebar: why does nobody care about apple cider? This is very unfortunate.
We don't know what sensory rice is. It seems like it's just a bunch of rice for kids to put their hands in. But why let your kids stick their hands in regular rice, when they could stick their hands in *pumpkin spice* rice? Consider it training so they can start #PSL-ing themselves by the time they reach kindergarten.
Generally speaking, we're all about turning things into excuses to drink. But, chances are if you're drinking a pumpkin spice "martini," you've probably already had one #PSL today. Also, putting something in a martini glass does not make it a martini. If you put it in highball glass it would not be a pumpkin spice highball, and if you put it in a bowl it would not be pumpkin spice soup. Just call it "Pumpkin Spice Flavored Drink in a Big Girl Cup That Will Probably Give You Terrible Diarrhea Tomorrow," and move along.
DO NOT EVEN TRY TO REPLACE THE REESE'S PUMPKIN, YOU MONSTERS. IT IS NOT HAPPENING.
You know what's a drink I like? Red wine. But you don't see me scouring the internet for soap that smells like an old vine Zinfandel. You know why? Because that would be disgusting. People need to stop thinking this obsession is okay. It's not. It's horribly, embarrassingly lame.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't the fact that it's hot enough outside to warrant eating a popsicle sort of negate the entire point of pumpkin spice flavored things, which is, as far as we can tell, to prove how much you love brisk autumn evenings, cardigan sweaters, and taking pictures of yourself drinking coffee? Popsicles are summer territory, and pumpkin spice flavor has about as much business there as does an awesome picture of the sun wearing sunglasses on an expedition to the apple orchard with your girlfriends after your prix fixe Sunday bottomless brunch.
Pumpkin spice in the summer? Yes, the madness has gone too far.