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13 Outrageous Signs the World Will End in 2012

Columbia Pictures

It’s the end of the world as we know it — maybe. Now that 2012 is here, you’re bound to hear all those theories about how the world will indeed end this year. Heck, there was even a movie made about it.

We don’t claim to know whether Armageddon is in the offing, but we do know there are some ways to tell. If any of the following events take place in the next 12 months, we urge you to run as fast as possible to your nearest fallout shelter. Good luck and don’t say you weren’t warned:

1. Herman Cain re-enters the presidential campaigns and wins, only to announce he’s remodeling the White House to make it the newest Godfather’s Pizza franchise.

2. Four words: Oscar winner Carrot Top.

3. Kim Jong Il reveals he invented a way to return from the dead by actually returning from the dead.

4. Charlie Sheen stops “winning” and has to settle for tying.

5. ‘Maury’ does an episode that does not involve DNA testing.

6. Healthcare becomes affordable for every single American. (That one’s also a sign that you live in Canada.)

7. Due to a shortage of roles being offered to her, Lindsay Lohan signs on for full-time work as a sobriety coach.

8. The Detroit Lions win the Super Bowl.

9. Betty White stops stealing roles from all other actresses over the age of 60 by announcing her retirement.

10. Rebecca Black returns with another song you can’t escape.

11. There are no stories that Brett Favre plans to make a comeback.

12. Progressive drops its ad campaign featuring Flo. Oh, wait — that’s supposed to be on the list of ‘Signs the World Is Headed in the Right Direction in 2012.’

13. When you call any customer service number, you somehow get to speak to a live person without having enough time to make and eat a five-course dinner while you wait.

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