New Gross Research Reveals Alligators Have a Permanent Woody
You probably didn’t know this (and if you did, you're kind of gross maybe) but unlike many other reptiles and mammals, alligators crawl around all day with a fully erect pecker tucked inside their body, which engages like a sexual switchblade (great band name) when it comes time for some of that good old Louisiana swamp lovin’.
Until recently, not much was known about how alligators do the deed, says Diane Kelly, an anatomist at the University of Massachusetts. However, in a study published this week in the March issue of Anatomical Record, Kelly details how she found out more about the elusive alligator wiener – by playing with a few of them.
What she found was that firmly packed inside the alligator's rear end, commonly referred to as a cloaca (Latin for “sewer,” which seems telling), was a nearly 3-inch penis that closely resembles a rare albino mushroom. To Kelly's surprise, the pale "cockodile" was not a flaccid piece of meat as it is with other animals. It was stiff enough to cut glass.
You see, an alligator’s penis is full of a hard substance called collagen, which acts as sort of a pre-fluffing agent that keeps the alliboner at full capacity at all times. When the beast gets aroused, a set of muscles in the cloaca region contracts and sends its tiny white rocket bursting out the crapper. Damn guys, think about how hard it would be to masturbate on the toilet if our junk was secretly located in our sphincter. Then again, just the thought of having a fully erect penis emerge from our anus brings tears to our eyes.
Incidentally, Kelly says that she has recently teamed up with another researcher to study the ejaculatory system of the alligator. That's interesting - we’ve heard stories of men being forced to beat on alligators as a means for survival, but this is the first time we’ve ever heard of two people beating off an alligator in the name of science. It's a wild world, folks!